To The Big Screen

Guys, I’m worried… that the movie Battleship isn’t going to stay true to the source material.

When I first heard that the classic kids game was being made into a feature film, I thought, “Great, yes, finally – they’re going to make a movie about cheating, deception, and sibling rivalry!”  But I’ve seen the trailers, and it doesn’t look like any ships get stacked on top of other ships in order to trick your younger brother. 

And Liam Neeson’s in the film?  How much do I want to hear Liam Neeson call out “You sunk my battleship!” as he struggles to get his crew into lifeboats.  So badly.  And yet, I just know I’m going to leave the theater going, “yeah, it was okay, but the game was way better.”

 

Since this board game-to-film craze shows no signs of letting up, here are some movies I’d like to see:

Robert Rodriguez’s Go To Texas – Oil barons, decrepit ranchers, and tawdry saloon patrons butt heads in a Texas town under a post-apocalyptic backdrop.  Based on a little-known board game that’s excruciatingly similar to “Monopoly,” but takes place in Texas.  (Get on this San Antonio tourism board!)

Pedro Almodovar’s Sequence – An aging soap opera actress and her young protégé host a dinner party attended by a drag queen, a once funny but now melancholy comedian, and a poet having a midlife crisis.  But what happens when one of them is suddenly taken hostage?

J.J. Abrams’ Settlers of Catan – A desolate island nation lies in peril under the harsh dictatorship of the land’s ruler, who is stockpiling resources and treating his countrymen as slaves.  When a small band of peasants bonds together, an uprising begins.  Can the peasants stay together, or does the luster of power mean it’s every man for himself?  (So many sequel possibilities!)

Guillermo Del Toro’s Candyland – A young girl loses her way home and winds up in a fluorescent forest, but something dark and menacing lurks beneath the saccharine sheen.  She quickly finds herself battling for her life against the monsters of the woods.  Alas, nothing is quite as sweet as it seems.


Sofia Coppola’s Don’t Break The Ice – An alcoholic figure skater returns to their hometown after an unsuccessful Olympics bid and reconnects with their past on the road to sobriety.  When a young child gets caught in a patch of thin ice, there may be only one person who can save them.  Gin, love, and a skating career are all on the rocks.