Friday, May 18, 2012

Fake Letters To Fake People

Aunt Sara,
Look, we need to talk. 
First of all, I’m sorry about what happened between you and Uncle Royce.  You were together for 14 years, and it’s sad when things come to an end.  And yes, it’s highly possible that Anna Lynne is, to use your words, a gold digger.

But let’s get to the matter at hand, your “getting back out there.”

You’ve still got it, as evidenced by the events of last Thursday evening. 

At 9:25PM, two men came over to where we were standing at Harringer’s Bar, and appeared to be waiting for a pause in our conversation.  You turned and looked at the taller of the two gentlemen and said, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”  And what happened?  He took a picture.  He pulled out his iPhone and snapped a pic before abruptly leaving.  Now who knows where your face is going to turn up.

At 10:17PM a mustached gentleman approached and attempted to introduce himself, to which you said, “Here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.”  And you tried to hand him twenty-five cents.  Twenty-five cents!  Like he was going to use a payphone?  Where does one even find a payphone – I mean, outside of the set of a creepy movie about serial killers, because those are likely the only people using payphones. 

At 11:09PM a guy in a navy blazer walked up and quizzically asked, “Have I seen you someplace before?”  To which you responded, “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?  Oh that’s right, on America’s Most Wanted.”  It turned out that he was talking to me, and we had met at a UN Foundation meeting.  And here you were sarcastically suggesting he was a wanted criminal whose face you’d seen on a tawdry television program.

Aunt Sara, I know it’s been a while since you’ve been on the dating scene, but you can’t be using these insults from the 1990s.  They don’t make any sense.

Listen, I mean, I get it, the last time you were on a date, you thought it was cool to play hard to get.  You were reading The Rules.  It was the late ‘90s.  But it’s not like that now.  Men want to talk to you, so give them a chance.  And then, if you feel like insulting people, do it in a sophisticated way – on the internet.  Like everybody else.

   Your niece, Cassie

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