Monday, October 30, 2006

Bringing sexy back

When it comes to Halloween costumes, witches are getting the short end of the broomstick. In recent years sexy has become the new scary, with “slutty nurses” outnumbering “corpse brides” 5 to 1 at most costume parties (based on informal studies).

Halloween has become the time when normal girls give hookers the night off, squeezing themselves into tube tops, fishnets, and ridiculous boots and dropping more innuendoes than Colin Farrell at a girl scout jamboree.

I was at a costume party recently and there was this girl who was wearing a black bra and short-shorts. I asked her what she was, and she said, “You didn’t see me earlier – I had wings. I’m a Victoria’s Secret model.”

I nodded, but what I wanted to say was, “Dude, you just took your top off, that’s not a costume. That’s an uncostume.”

A note to the ladies: If you go to a party wearing the Million Dollar Diamond-Studded Bra, then it’s okay to say you’re a Victoria’s Secret model. Otherwise, put your shirt back on.

What no Chippendale’s dancers?

These days, the travesty it seems is that while female costumes are getting sexier, male costumes are getting dorkier. Social gimp Napoleon Dynamite, cultural naïf Borat, Harry Potter – nerdy characters are out in full force.

I have to ask – where are the male Calvin Klein underwear models? Where are the sexy male doctors? Clearly there is a need for more alluring costumes for men.

But while this male/female discrepancy continues, there is one type of Halloween celebrant working to really bring us all together – the people dressed as pimps. Because, as we all know, every dork could use a little help with the ladies – especially when they’re so extremely sexy.

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